For the King
by guillotineghost
Summary: A series of oneshots detailing Douchebag's sexual exploits in South Park during the events of SoT. The new kid finds himself attracted to Kyle and decides to pay him a visit in the early morning hours with a proposal. The next day, before the final battle, he finds himself captured by Dark Lord Clyde and Feldspar who want him on their side. Lots of smut, with some plot.
1. For the King (DouchebagxKyle)

**A/N: While this is my headcanon Douchebag (the crossdressing, mentally unstable pyromaniac) I leave out details concerning his appearance so that you can fill in your own version of him if you'd like. I also didn't specify age, so you can imagine them either actually being ten or being teenagers still playing the game—it's whatever you prefer. I'm not used to writing first person POV with fanfiction so I apologize in advance if this is terrible. I'm also happy to announce that I'm going to attempt to create a fic for the SPBB this year! So, yeah, wish me luck on that.**

X~x~

He had been the only light in the dark abyss of a game I'd been so unwillingly dragged into my first day in the isolated town of my new home—Kyle, the elf king. I had pledged my allegiance to him the day I'd been sent on the ever pivotal mission to recruit the goth kids. I liked how he looked, sitting upon his throne, frowning in a serious manner as he dished out orders and sparing smiles only for his loyal Stanley when the two of them thought no one else was looking. Kyle was so business-like at all times and so morally dedicated to his subjects; Stan was the physically capable human that guarded him with his very life and with the utmost, unfaltering allegiance.

They were obviously fucking. They had to be. Yes, too obvious.

And I wanted in on it; as much as I enjoyed fisting my dick to the thought of Kyle laying under me and begging me like a wanton whore, Stan was never absent from these fantasies. Usually he'd be kissing his majesty, fingers tightened around those soft red curls, asking him just how amazing it felt for my cock to be ravaging him. Stan was much more built than his fragile master, and his lean body would break out into a glistening sweat when he'd reach the point of climax and came on the torso of his lord.

I'd decided that I would have to make this wet dream a reality the day we planned to beat the ever loving fuck out of that Clyde kid and his ninja catamite. The game was going to get intense later, so I had to make my move before this final battle took place. Besides, it could all be an aspect of our little make believe world, if they preferred.  
Plenty of video games offer the option of romancing a character, having sex with them, and then unlocking the most powerful combo attacks possible with that specific ally.

Being a magician, it would be only be fitting to choose _them_ to combine abilities with. Kyle was a Jew, able to provide stats boosts that I couldn't, and Stan was the definition of a hard hitting tank. The three of us could get that stupid stick back easily, and rule the universe however we saw fit.

I awoke about two hours earlier than usual to pay Kyle a visit and maximize our social link . I hadn't bothered to change into my battle uniform, since it wasn't like magic classes wore anything other than cloth, anyway. My pajamas would do just fine, as my own laziness overcame the cool Colorado wind.

When I'd arrived at his house and scaled to his window via the gutter pipe (I was nimble enough to have been a thief, if I really had wanted to, but unleashing Dragon Fire and throwing Pyro Balls gave me a thrill unlocking doors couldn't), the dearest royal was tucked away soundly in his bed, a thin trail of drool spotting the side of his pillow. His room was tidy as always, shelves dusted and carpet vacuumed. Rumor had it that his mother was a high Jew bitch and that she'd ground the poor king if he didn't keep his living quarters up to standards.

I pressed my forehead to the window and gave it a light tap. "Your Majesty!"

He stirred to the other side of the mattress.

"Elf King!" I continued my knocking.

This time he turned his head to me with groggy eyes, then gave me an irritated frown.  
Whoops. I was interrupting his beauty sleep.

He begrudgingly unlatched the window. "New kid! What the hell? If my parents find out you snuck up here or climbed on our roof, I'm fucking dead!" he growled, not sounding too eloquent.

"Shhh, shh, shh." I placed my index finger on his lips as I slid into his private chamber, effectively silencing him. "Your Highness, a thought occurred to me as I was trying to rest for our grand battle tomorrow. We are going to need to combine our strengths in order to overcome the dark lord, and we must be united not only in in combat, but in spirit. And to be one in spirit…" I cupped the side of his pale, fair, porcelain face and gazed into his grassy green orbs. "We must become one in body."

The king only stared at me with a dumbfounded expression for what seemed like minutes. He blinked a few times, obviously trying to process what I was getting at.

"Dude, if you mean what I think you mean, that's gay. You came to my room at this ungodly hour in the morning to try to do gay shit with me?" He blinked again and swatted my hand away. "God dammit."

I brushed off any discouragement from my voice. "No more of the homosexual persuasion than what you do with Stan, and look at your teamwork! Do you think that the dark lord and his minion are not intimate and strengthening their bond?"

"Stan is—Stan is different. He's my super best friend. We've known each other forever."

"You're not denying it."

"No! Dammit. That isn't what I meant!"

"Oh, Your Majesty," I sighed, sounding as heartbroken as I could and placing both hands over my heart for emphasis. "My loyalty to you is unwavering. I've found myself unable to stop thinking about you from the moment I found myself lost your emerald green eyes. I wish to court you for the sake of your kingdom-Stanley included, as I'd never wish to separate the two of you."  
He puffed his cheeks and looked away at the mention of Stan—I realized then that he might bite the bait if I started reeling him in with his companion.

"The three of us as one, our limbs entangled in the writhes of passion…" I moved closer and hooked an arm around his frail waist, daring to move my mouth to the side of his neck. "Two of your most loyal subjects, so desperate to send you into eternal bliss, to push you to the edge of climax again, and again, and again…until your seed has run dry."  
Kyle let out a hesitant sigh and kept his eyes glued to the opposite direction. It was working. It had to be, because his jugular vein was pulsing against my lips. He was so alive, imagining the pleasure my proposal would bring him, emulating it and most importantly, _considering_ it.  
"What say you, my king?" My hand cupped his hard on—I knew he'd have one—and I gave his jaw a kiss.

He cleared his throat, then crossed his arms affirmatively. "Very well, then, Douchebag, I shall accept your offer of courtship. However, I expect nothing less than the best from you, as my most powerful mage, and for you to treat my sir Stanley with just as much affection." His kingly mannerisms had returned. "Do I make myself clear?"

There it was.  
I was in.  
_Fuck. Yes._

"Of course, My Lord." I moved myself away to kiss both of his cheeks accordingly. "Now, allow me to lay you to back to rest until the sun rises."

"Very well." He climbed back into his bed, laying as he had been prior to my visiting, halfway propping himself up on his elbows.

There wasn't a need for me to compose anymore sappy, medieval prose know that I knew I'd get to fuck him into oblivion—maybe not tonight, but my body was already riling in anticipation for that night. It'd be after we retrieved the Stick. In celebration of our victory, oh yes, it would be the most amazing sex any of us had ever experienced.  
I crawled between his legs and prodded at his stiffened cock with the same finger that had been used to silence those delicate lips. His hips jolted, and he looked down at me with eager eyes.  
Pulling down the waistband of his Terrance and Phillip pajamas, I immediately took his circumcised dick into my mouth. It felt…different. Not that I'd sucked a lot of cock during my time, but it'd completely slipped my mind that he was actually Jewish.  
He tensed under me and mumbled a, "shit, dude" under his breath.

I rolled the underside of my tongue along the soft, exposed head as he gasped and moved his hips forward ever so slightly. Sucking him in, I was able to take his shaft partially into my throat without my gagging reflex kicking in, and my mouth was now watering and wetting his length. I resonated a low moan and flicked my tongue along the veins I could feel out along his shaft.

Unfortunately, it seemed that I was going much too fast for him because he arched forward and came into my mouth in less than five minutes. His body shuddered and he clutched at my hair with both hands, holding me in place to squirt himself along my tongue before he withdrew himself from my mouth and hastily pulled his pants back up.  
His shoulders shook. "S-Sorry, I'd get in trouble if my mom found white stuff on my sheets," he whispered apologetically.

I swallowed my king's salty sperm and grinned. "Tis not a problem. Are you satisfied, My Lord?"

"Yes. Yes, I am. Thank you, Sir Douchebag." Kyle couldn't keep up his royal demeanor through a yawn and half lidded eyes. "Now, see yourself to rest for the remaining hours until our final battle." He pointed at the window. "I expect great things from you tomorrow."

"And great things you shall receive. Good night, Elf King."

I took my leave with the knowledge that tomorrow, not only would I get to cast hundreds of dollars' worth of fire spells and beat the shit out of Clyde (fuck him for breaking the rules), I'd get the most explosive, mind blowing sex of my life with both Kyle and Stan. _At the same time._

I was really starting to like living in South Park.


	2. Under my Spell (DouchebagxCraigxClyde)

**Chapter Summary:** The new kid is captured by the dark lord and his thief consort, who seek to persuade him to join their side-which means sex.

**A/N: How did I wind up writing over 4k words of smut between Douchebag, Feldspar, and Dark Lord Clyde? I have no idea, but it happened. As always, I leave the ages of the boys up to your imagination and Douchebag isn't given any real physical description so that you can fill in your own version of him.**

X~X~X

X~X~X

"Sir Douchebag, before the meeting begins, I need you go fetch Stanley."

My king had pulled me to the side no sooner than I had arrived at the Kupa Keep, looking rather antsy. Both humans and elves had united, with the pirates and girls now allied alongside us for the greater good, so the sea of warriors was difficult to wade through.  
Butters was busy grabbing at the princess's tits while she "practiced" her charms (they were supposed to be big, right?), the bard was strumming some encouraging tunes, and Cartman was yelling something about chicken wings. The usual.

"I sent a private messenger raven to him, but he hasn't responded, and I'm a little worried, dude. Especially with the whole zombie thing." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I can't leave fatass here to his own devices, so you'll go get him, right?"

"Of course, man. Y'know, anything for you." I tried not to smile too much; we _did_ still have appearances to keep up, after all.

"Thanks." He turned to resume post at his throne. "Oh, yeah, and I already told him about our, uh, arrangement from last night. So he already knows."

Well that certainly made things easier. I wondered just when Kyle had done that—probably after I'd taken my leave from his room. He was probably so excited that he immediately had to text Stan and tell him the good news. Or ask his permission.

I was so caught up in imagining the victory sex we'd be having later that night that I didn't notice a few vampire kids trailing behind me. It wasn't until I'd been knocked over the head with a frying pan that I realized that Clyde's cheating ass was once again breaking the rules. Kidnapping may not have actually been something banned in the rules, but who the fuck cares because it wasn't fair, even with him having the Stick.

There also should have been a rule against sexual torture, but I didn't comment on that when I opened my eyes to see a room full of naked boys wearing nothing but blue hats similar to Craig's. The real Feldspar was standing by Clyde's throne, still fully dressed, hands behind his back. He was trying to retain that smug apathetic expression, but watching his dark lord jerk it to his "clones" fondling one another was making it difficult for him.

"Oh, come on!" My wrists were tied above me with rope. "Hey, this fucking burns!"

Clyde shot up at hearing that I'd awoken and sat up, tucking his dick back in. "Aha! My prisoner comes to." He clapped his hands twice. "Feldspar clones, take your leave. My consort and I have business with Commander Douchebag of the Elven army."  
The duplicates were all too happy to comply, quickly grabbing up their clothes and exiting their king's chambers. One of them mumbled something like, "I didn't really like it, that was in character, okay?" when he shut the door.

I slumped against the wall. "Great."

Clyde stood up and adjusted his 2edgy4u dark overlord crown that, quite frankly, was way too overdone. "I have a proposition for you, new kid."

He approached me, Feldspar trailing behind him, and gripped the side of my face with a gloved hand. "You were never mean to me like that asshole grand wizard. Sure, it comes across as you thinking you're hot shit by not talking. But you have that friending power no one else does. So, I'd like you join us."

No way was I actually going to betray the elf king right after our little agreement last night that guaranteed me a place with him and Stan.

"No, dude. I don't want to be a dark lord with you guys." I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible about it, like my loyalty to the elves wasn't based off of some sick obsession with Kyle.

Clyde looked over to Craig as if to ask him if I'd really just turned him down. Feldspar shrugged.

"Are you hearing this? You don't say no to me, Douchebag! I have the Stick!" He pointed to where the all-powerful twig was contained in what appeared to be a hamster ball on a podium.

"Maybe he needs convincing, your highness. You seem to be letting this whole dark lord thing unleash your sexual deviancy, anyway." His voice was flat as ever. They seemed close, so my assumption was that they had something going on with one another and that this kind of behavior wasn't new for Clyde.

The Stick, huh? I could play this game with them. This…game within a game. Whatever.  
If he wanted to do _this_, it'd just give me warm up for after we beat the ever living fuck out of him. And I needed an open to escape, which I wasn't going to get with resisting like this. There was just one thing I needed to know.

"You guys have Stan, too, don't you?" I tugged experimentally at where the rope knotting my hands. It looped across a beam in the ceiling of his tree house, so there was no way I'd get out of this without at least a knife or something sharp to cut through. Even if I'd had one—which I didn't because I'm a god damned mage class and mages don't carry physical weapons—they would've stripped me of anything I could've fought back with when they captured me.

"Not anymore. We gave him a good torture session and sent him to go tell Kyle—the elf king—that we have you."

"Whatever you did to Stanley, I won't forgive you! Just you wait,Clyde, Kyle will come for me. He'll save me!" Cue my overdramatic monologue about my love for my king.

"Ha! Fool! He'll do no such thing." Clyde marched over to the stick and placed his hand just above the Stick's container. "Now! By power of the Stick of Truth, I command you to, uh, become more susceptible to our reasoning with you."

"Why not just make him our slave outright?" Craig pointed out.

"Because—because I said! God, Feldspar, just, start taking off his clothes."

I shook my head, but not so hard that my wig would fall off. "No. My mind. Get out of it!"

"But your highness, I can't take off his shirt. Not without letting his wrists go." Feldspar halfheartedly lifted my shirt and mage robes. "We really should have thought this through before tying him up."

Clearly frustrated, Clyde let out a "just take off his pants" as he closed his eyes, now both hands above the stick as to focus his energy. I made a struggling noise to comply with the brainwashing waves he was attempting to channel into my mind.

Feldspar thought on the order for a moment, shrugged, and hooked his thumbs under the waistband of my boxers and pulled everything down, leaving my erection clearly visible.

"Now," Clyde resumed his post at his recliner throne that was no more than a couple yards away. "Tease him. We're going to make him like it."

Craig and I stared at each other for a few seconds. It wasn't like I was trying to eye beg him or anything, but behind those misty blue eyes of his was a certain kind of excitement that very well could have just been my own paranoia. I'm bad about that. Thinking that everyone has a hidden layer of sadism somewhere underneath.

With Craig, though, I might have been spot on, because he said, "okay" all too eagerly at the order and moved to stand directly in front of me.

"Be seduced, Douchebag! Our powers of persuasion are tenfold with the Stick on our side!"

"No!" I turned my head away and closed my eyes dramatically. "I'll-I'll never give in."

I could feel Craig grinning smugly when he looped an arm around my wraist and kissed at my neck. "Yes you will." He lightly sucked at the skin and ran the tip of his tongue over it just enough to give me goosebumps.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh." He grazed his teeth just below my jawbone. "You are _so_ going to give in to us." His other hand snaked behind my head and gripped at my hair under the wig.

"I'll do no su—" He pressed his mouth against mine before I could get to the part of my speech in which I insist that, even if brainwashed, my heart would still belong to my king. Feldspar wasn't showing me any mercy, not even giving me time to breath, and kept brushing his tongue against mine until I kissed back. He tasted like red Powerade (he was probably drinking the stuff because of that Red Racer promo going on at the time and I found out later that he really loved the series), and I realized that if he had been drinking the stuff, the entire left side of my neck was going to be sticky from his lapping his tongue over me like a dog.

I let myself moan a little into the kiss-y'know, to show that I was beginning to fall under their spell—and whined when he finally pulled away. He blinked, cleaned our slobber off of the side of his mouth with his sleeve, and then removed his gloves with his mouth in a seductive manner that he had to be imitating from the anime with the demon butler. Not that I watch that kind of thing.

He ran the tip of his index finger of along my cock, which had already hardened up at our making out. "How are you feeling now?" I felt myself twitching when he traced my veins.

"M-My body is betraying me…oh, fuck."

"Good." Feldspar knelt before me and took my dick into his mouth. I winced because I'll be damned, did it actually feel like he knew what he was doing. Lots of practice with Clyde, probably. I bit down on my lip and tried not to make any sudden movements for fear he would stop. He retained that bored look as he sucked, bobbing his head in a sloppy manner.

Just as quickly as he'd began writhing his moist mouth around me did he pull away. "Sorry, New Kid, I can't let you cum." He didn't sound apologetic in the least. "But you got me pretty hard. Thanks."

"What?!"

Feldspar made his way back to Clyde and ceremoniously went to work on his lord, crawling onto his lap and grinding against him. His master visibly smirked and placed both hands on his hips. "Oh, yeah, you know how I like it."

I could only watch with an agitating hard on as those two exchanged affectionate glances (that were obviously _not_ a part of the game—the game was just an excuse to be gay and fight each other and no one can tell me otherwise) and made out while dry humping.  
"Oh, hey, come on!" I yanked at the bindings, not caring that I'd have terrible rope burn later. "This isn't fair—I mean, shit…"

They completely ignored me and Feldspar separated himself from Clyde only long enough to step out of his shorts and grab some lube from the nightstand that held a map containing their battle strategies.  
Clyde looked over me with a straight face as he unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out. I tried not to stare, but it was no good because my head already felt like it was on fire. I turned away, but didn't feel his staring at me subside.  
The sound of his belt hitting the wooden floor echoed and I glanced back at them. Clyde had thrown off his gloves, too, by now and was watching intently as Craig squeezed a dollop of clear liquid onto his hand and spread it generously over his cock. When he'd finished preparing the ever powerful zombie creator, he moved back onto Clyde's lap, straddling him with a kiss.

"Very good, Feldspar. Now, fuck me until I cum in you." Something told me that Clyde _really_ enjoyed being in positions of power like this, but that at school he was probably just as socially awkward as me. "My catamite."

Feldspar steadied himself, one hand on the arm of the recliner, and took the entirety of his master's shaft without hesitation. His let out a shaky breath, barely audible, and at this point I would've been jerking myself off if not for the fact that now my wrists felt like they were on fire because I couldn't stop trying to tug my hands free. God fucking damn it.

The dark lord kept his eyes on me with a gleam of satisfaction in his eyes as is loyal companion continued riding him, his body bouncing unevenly but with a certain level of experience that just confirmed my suspicions of their prior involvement (maybe it wasn't a big secret—how was I supposed to know? I'd just moved here!) and watching Clyde's dick sliding in and out him made the entire lower portion of my body ache. I glared back at him with the most hateful look I could muster, though it probably didn't look threatening in the least given how visibly hard I was.

"I think our new minion is enjoying this, Feldspar." His voice shook with pleasure as he moved his gazing to Craig. He grinned. "I think that the Stick's power has fully taken effect on him now. Isn't that right, Douchebag?"

I bit my lip and just nodded a little, because at this point my dick hurt and I just wanted my hands free so that I could take care of it. "Y-Yes…"

Clyde motioned for Craig to get up, and he obeyed with reluctance at having his ass empty but added, "we'll only know if he begs for it."  
"Oh, you're right. Beg me, Douchebag."  
Fuck you, Craig.

"P-Please, untie me…"

"You're mumbling. Please what?"

I spoke up a little. "Please untie me, Clyde."

"That's Dark Lord Clyde."

"…Dark Lord Clyde."

The wannabe ruler and his boyfriend exchanged glances at each other and then at me before coming to a silent agreement with one another that I could already tell would result in more humiliation on my behalf. But it wasn't really me, right? We were still playing the game. This wouldn't count.

"I think I'm going to need to see some proof of your new loyalties, Douchebag." Clyde shrugged, tossing his hands to either side of him, then withdrew a boxcutter from his pocket. "I'll untie your hands, but if you try to run so help me I raid Cartman's house and steal every one of his mother's dildos and shove them inside of you until your stomach explodes."

"I won't run—"

"Good. Now, for starters, you're going to let Feldspar cum all over your face." He hoisted he blade by the rope, teasingly gliding the blade across a few strands before hacking it one swift cut. He grabbed my wrist and undid the complicated knotting that had to be some kind of boyscout handiwork. "Oh, yes, you're going to serve us so well." He gave me a kiss on both cheeks and pulled my shirt and mage robe above my head so that now I was completely nude. I adjusted my wig now that my hands were free.

I blinked at them and went to my knees before either of them could push me down. My compliance shifted the air around us and it took a moment for it settle in.  
Feldspar took in a breath and knelt next to me for a moment, his pools of greyblue gazing into my soul. He placed both hands on my face and inched his face towards mine as to kiss me again, but paused centimeters away from my lips. He said my name and then, "you'd better not bite my dick."

He didn't wait for an answer and stood back up, angling my face so that he pressed the tip of his cock into my mouth. I rolled the underside of my tongue across the smooth skin that was already glazed with precum.  
His grip on my hair this time was a little softer now, at least, and when he started throat fucking me he didn't act like he was trying to jab my voice box. He'd slow down when I gagged too loudly, though that would earn me a raised eyebrow from Clyde. I sucked at his cock and probably looked like a drooling idiot. When he withdrew himself, pumped his shaft in his fist a few times, and spurted his semen on my face. I winced when I felt the warm, snotty texture hit my cheek. Trying to not look as mortified as I was, I leaned forward and cleaned him off with my tongue. He pat the top of my head awkwardly.

I had nothing to wash myself, though, not that Clyde gave me time to think about tidying up because no sooner had I finished coating Craig's softening cock with saliva did he grab my forearm and pull me towards his throne, grabbing my wig and tossing it to the side. "Get rid of that thing for a minute."

"My weave!" I wasn't above whining at this point.

"Shut up about your god damned wig; you can have it back in a minute." He grasped the back of my hair and pressed me into the arm of the recliner so that I was doubled over. "I'm going to fuck your brains out now, New Kid." There was something more primal about his voice now. Like he'd been thinking of dominating me since I was dragged into this game. I wanted to imagine that he had and that he'd fantasized about pounding into me, because in my taste that's kind of sexy and it probably isn't a secret to my fellow fourth graders that I might be a little fucked in the head. At least my libido is.

"D-Dark Lord Clyde," I gasped into the overlord's throne.

"Yeah, that's it," He gave my ass a hard smack.  
My hips instinctively jolted. "Ow!"  
"Cry for me, babe."

It wasn't as if my eyes hadn't already began to water from nearly choking on Craig.  
Before I could protest further, he positioned himself between my cheeks and shoved his entirety into my body with one swift movement. I gasped inwardly and felt my stomach churn at suddenly having his cock all up in my guts. "Jesus Christ, dude!"  
It felt like there was still a trace of the lube from earlier, but I was not at all prepared to be penetrated or to have my backside spanked again. He started pumping in and out of me, nails digging into my hips right above the bone. "Fuck!" My voice cracked. Everything inside of me was still tensed up, and the more I tried to relax my muscles the more they fought against being drilled into.

Before I could protest further, Craig was in front of me kissing me again in some effort to quieten me because I must have been louder than I'd thought.  
"Just relax, dude," he combed his fingers through my hair. I wondered if Clyde had been this rough with him at some point—probably not, given how lovey dovey they seemed to be.  
I would never be this brutal with Kyle or Stan. I paused my thoughts. God damn it! They weren't going to be happy with my being captured and made into the enemy's sex toy.

That red Powerade taste entered my mouth again with Craig's tongue and in some pathetic need for affection I gripped his shoulders for our make out session all the while Clyde's balls were slapping against me each time he jabbed himself inside of me to the hilt.

It only took a few minutes for Clyde to reach his climax and fill my insides with his seed, and when I felt his body trembling, falling on top of me, sucking hungrily at the sore spots Feldspar had left on my neck earlier, I let myself cum with him because any stamina to get myself off later had just been exhausted.  
Craig pulled away from me and the three of us just sat there for a moment, panting like dehydrated mutts in the summer heat.

I stared at my wrists. I'd have to put some lotion on them later, because in my frenzy earlier I'd rubbed off too much skin for comfort.

Feldspar was the first to begin redressing himself, nonchalantly adjusting his hat and retrieving his boxers and shorts from the treehouse floor. "So. That was interesting."

My wig was the first thing I recovered. "Yeah."

Clyde tucked himself back into his pants and resumed his post at his throne, not caring that I'd came all over the side of it. Or maybe he didn't see.  
"Now that the new kid has been realigned to our side," he monologued as I redressed myself, licking at the sleeve of my mage robe in an attempt to clean off what cum had dried on my face. "We will rule the entire universe!" He cackled for dramatic effect as I laced my boots back up.

While he was laughing and Craig and I exchanged blank, tired looks, an arrow with a lit string of firecrackers attacked to it flew in through the window and lodged itself in the wall.  
As the lit string diminished, Clyde screamed. "No! You're still under my spell, Douchebag!"

I peered out the window to see a small group of my allies standing there. Kenny was loading another explosive arrow, Stan was brandishing his sword, and Cartman was eating a bag of cheesypuffs. No Kyle. And only true love can break these kinds of spells, right? Or at least infatuation on the level of a teenage girl's?  
"Humans! Elves!" I held my hands forward as if I were a zombie. "I—I can't control myself right now. The Stick was used—" I held my head as if fighting some possessive spirit. "They—"

"New Kid! Fight it!"  
That voice.  
I looked down further, tilting half of my body out the window. Kyle was actually climbing up the ladder in an attempt to get to me, even though it would've been quiet the scale to have gotten to me with the actual door locked up.

"Y-Your majesty?! I feel the influence fading! My loyalty for you is breaking the magi-"  
The firecrackers began exploding inside of the dark lord's base. I took my chance to begin climbing out the window while Clyde scrambled to look for a fire extinguisher. Feldspar looked at me, and it felt like we'd made a silent agreement of sorts. An agreement for what? I have no idea, because he doesn't talk enough for me know whether he wanted to just hang out again or suck my dick next time.

Kyle screamed something else at me over the shrieking of gunpowder. He held out his hand. "I've got you! Just jump!"

It was at least a twenty foot jump, but I followed the order and leapt just far enough for our fingers to clasp together. He smiled at me with the face of a boy who had just found a lost gaming cartridge. It was a nice look on him—not that I got to enjoy it for long because as soon as he tried to support my weight and I was grabbing at the shitty rope ladder (that Clyde's dad had probably tried to make himself), we were sent plummeting to the Earth.

It wasn't that far a drop, but it was enough to give me a piercing migraine as soon as my skull hit the grass. I rubbed at the back of my head. Kyle collected himself before me, took me by the hand, and issued an order to our comrades as we made haste to get the hell out of there. I didn't want to know what they had to do to get past the dark lord's security, but the smeared traces of black around Kyle's eyes gave me an idea.

As we made our grand escape thanks to Stan hitting any and every vampire kid on our way out and Princess Kenny keeping her dress unzipped, I took one last look at Clyde's castle and I questioned as to whether or not I'd really just had my first threesome with he and Craig.

"Hey, Douchebag, are you okay?" Kyle asked once we'd made it out of enemy territory and were approaching the elven kingdom.  
"Huh? Yeah. I'm fine." Other than needing to sanitize my entire body.

"It's just, dude, you're walking funny," Stan pointed out. "Did they do something to you, man? Because, you know you can tell us, right?"  
Kyle nodded. "Yeah. What happened?"

"Well," I wondered how to put it. "It's nothing we can't get them back for tonight, your majesty, Stanley. Please, worry not. I'm still suited for battle and am more prepared than ever to reclaim the Stick of Truth."  
We'd paused our treading and I gave Kyle a reassuring smile. We were still holding hands, so I gave the top of his glove a kiss.

"D-Douchebag…you don't have to-"  
"Reclaim it for the king, of course."


End file.
